3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my being single is dangerous.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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