So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
