so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
