Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
