There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
