i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You did what with his pubic hair?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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