Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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