You surviving the open bar?
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Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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