I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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