Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
