The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
