You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
