yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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