somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
