Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
