the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
