Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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