True but thats because hes a fetus.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
