At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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