three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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