You really coming over, don't trick.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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