we made out on top of his cat.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
