hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
