he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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