Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
