Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
