God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
