I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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