I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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