I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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