I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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