I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
