we're chasing vodka with high fives
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
