Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
