Just fell off a train. Bad.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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