That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
