you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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