I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
