I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
