I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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