happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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