I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
