M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my shit smells like andre
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
