You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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