just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
