i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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