She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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