I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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