i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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