OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm at about main and main street
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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