Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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