Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
